• Ryan Tascar (He/Him)

The Creation of Sacred Intimacy Yoga Coaching

This all begins with sharing my own story. I am sharing this with you though I feel the nervous twinge in my heart because its about more than just me. It comes down our stories, and this story ultimately led me discover a more balanced version of myself every day. I believe radically sharing vulnerability will contribute to our collective healing. Looking back on this now, I hold unconditional self love and gratitude for my life experience, and it is my heart's deepest desire that you can learn from it and the many methods of conscious elevation it holds. I am inviting you to see my footsteps besides yours, and benefit from the wisdom of the rocky road so that yours might be exponentially easier.

After you read this, please get in touch if you would like to be part of the Yoga for Sacred Intimacy and Conscious Partnership Group. Much love and thanks for walking with me.

Here's my story:

Seven years ago, this suburban white male got back from the Peace Corps and lived in New Orleans, working as a construction project manager, making all the motions of the life expected by society for my demographic. Life looked decent enough on the outside. I had a good job, a new town. I cared deeply about the world and felt it, tried to volunteer and change as I could though underneath it all something was missing. I was a zombie inside. I felt alone, lukewarm about life, and I suffered through well compartmentalized depression, anxiety and long term porn addiction.

One day I felt the need for something more and I broke free of the dude yoga block (honestly at that point hoping I would meet someone too), and yoga found me at a local gym. I would have tried anything at that point, other than doing that shadow work that would ultimately un-bottle 27 years of repressed emotions, to have a coping mechanism for all of life’s built up residue that goes into the internal pressure cooker if not released.

And so the cosmic tractor beam was set, I started and kept coming back to yoga. I remember the Om’s at the beginning of class grabbing hold of me, I desired more OM. Subtly, slowly and surely yoga began to transform my life. Like a little snowball rolling downhill things quickly gained momentum and before I knew it, life sent me a series of purely chaotic events that I didn’t know I was ready for. They shook the core of my being, and every conditioned idea of who I thought was.

I started a business and it was failing via my insecurities. My finances were unstable, my life was unstable and these things were all ready to pop at the exact time I walked into a strip club on bourbon street one night and met Friday, a sex worker, dominatrix. She was the beautiful unstoppable force that met the immovable object of my psyche. I had the wildest physical sex a kid from Cleveland who had been addicted to kinky porn since he was eleven could hope for. She satisfied all of those gratifying objectifying addictive neural pathways, and we spent three months in bed. I got business, I lost business. We were attracted together because we both had… hangups. The extreme ups and downs that ensued over the next few years were a deep reflection of my innermost state at that time in my life. Sex, Psychedelics, Mardi Gras, spirit animals, and the push pull dance of my insecure relational intelligence that thought it was all about me.

Through it all I was forced to take a deep look at myself, and begin to break down all of the things I was conditioned to believe about what it means to be a man, about growing up in Catholicism, and about what sex was for, for me and in society. The wounds came up and I resisted the shadow work. So I got pissed of, was determined for anything better so I went to the one space that calmed the mental patterns, Yoga. Vinyasa, Bikram, Iyengar and everything I could experiment with. I raked my self through the fire. I OM’d. I started meditating every damn day. And I didn't want to, and it was hard in my mind. But damnation I had fire inside of me and that fire was meant to go somewhere. And we continued our play through the drugs and the sex. Near the end of our adventure I did LSD and the last time I did, I was shot off into the space time continuum and awakened to the true interconnected nature of all things. Consciousness itself shined around me and in me, and I surrendered to my own ignorance. At the moment of admission of ignorance, finally, everything started to make sense, and I cried for hours and my partner gave me a book on sex and yoga. And I felt awake and everything was new and beautiful. And then I was apparently ready.

Soon thereafter I experienced what I consider my personal dark night of the soul. A burst of the culmination of my repressed darkness showing its face before the dawn. My ex not ex girlfriend for the thousandth and one time showed up loudly drunk in the middle of the night on my doorstep and this time with a military tourist from bourbon, ready to get it on. I sat down and tried to meditate through it, deny its surreal existence.. In a moment of violence and instigation I lost myself. She wanted sex and confound it all I was going to give our new friend a show. In rage mode I did. Hate sex at its finest. And we all did. And that poor tourist soul didn’t know what hit him. I remember him repeating “You’ll never find a woman that will fight this hard for you. Cant you see she wants you? I would die for a woman to want me this much”. And he left, and we spent the morning in alternating panic attacks. She finally left. I got up the next day for my first day at the office of my new client. And I meditated before on no sleep, and compartmentalized the fuck out of myself because I was flat broke and it was sink or swim.

The next day I moved in with a friend. I withdrew and I meditated every day, and I went to work and built a routine. And I embarked, doing the shadow work to heal. There was enormous healing power in daily practice. I began to unfold all of the layers of the cosmic onion, each more beautiful than the last. I discovered a new sense of inner strength and was armed and guided by the universe to face my demons.

I saved a large amount of money in a short time, and moved to the Philippines, celibate for a whole year and sat on a rock and chanted, learning more and more about magic, consciousness and amped up my personal yoga practice. I worked in disaster relief in Texas, all while doing yoga every day and starting teaching and practicing with others. I followed my intuition and so many mentors and guides began to appear, and I changed and I played and I developed rituals and explored practice methods across many traditions from many healers. After this period of celibacy, I began to attract partners that lovingly guided me to let go and heal my idea of healthy sexual intimate connection. I opened up to the idea that it's all inside, that each of us has the inner masculine and feminine. And I went to yoga school. And I did more shadow work. And I moved to Washington state and finally felt ready to start sharing these consciousness practices with others, teaching and coaching, and developing this program.

So here I am, embracing my experience, my journey in suffering and intentional suffering and how I learned to heal, and now transform it into tangible benefit for others. I am excited to share all of the methods that have helped me heal. Get in touch to learn more.

73 views1 comment